The Filter - Censorship

Maybe I care too much about how other people feel. I wish I could truly use this blog as a way to express how I feel about certain things. Maybe it is because not all of the readers of this blog choose to be anonymous and I feel like I have an obligation to temper my feelings about certain subjects so as not to cause any problems with relationships or create unnecessary conflict.

I so badly want to blog about my 'mysterious post' from last week. I just don't feel like I can do so without damaging relationships further.

In most ways the situation has been resolved, even amicably I must add. However, there is still a lingering issue with me that I'm having a hard time letting go. I admitted last night that is affecting my race preparation. What I haven't admitted is how much the issue has had an effect on my excitement about the weekend. I don't really feel like being around anyone this weekend. I feel disconnected from the group and I know it is only because I am sensitive to how things make me feel. I'm trying to avoid feeling how I felt last week and all it is doing is making me that much more distracted from the primary focus of the weekend. All I want to think about right now is running a good race, sleeping in a king bed, drinking some great wine, seeing my relatives, and just enjoying the time away from home. Everything else is and has been a distraction. I have got to resolve the issue in my own mind, but I'm afraid that it will still be lurking in the back of my head until this weekend is over.

I tend to withdraw when there is conflict in my life. Only my closest friends will see my outwardly frustrated self, obviously vocal and unafraid to speak my mind. Everyone else gets the 'lay low', 'please everyone' personality that doesn't want to stir the waters. I wish I wasn't sensitive and could just blog away, not caring who reads this or how they might perceive my words. Instead, my personality sometimes demands the filter, the censorship, to protect me from additional conflict that will cause me to withdraw further

Sorry to be Debbie Downer and so vague again. Just as you know me to be smiley and upbeat, this is also what you get when you get to know me.