Regaining Focus - Getting a grip

I am determined to lose weight. I want to look good in my wedding dress, and I think that really I am a small person inside of this overpadded body. I have weighed 18 pounds less than I do now in the past 3 years. I weighed 12 pounds less 2 years ago. I weighed 7 pounds less in June.

I am trying to focus on my diet - lean proteins, fruits, vegetables - trying not to eat too many 'easy calorie' foods. It is a constant struggle. Really, I need to break some habits that I have and re-teach my body to recognize the signals I am getting from my brain. (Am I really wanting sugar or am I stressed? Am I really hungry or am I maybe a little dehydrated? Am I hungry or just a little bored?)

I also am focused on moving more. In some ways it has been an adjustment working at home. Instead of being on my feet all day and walking down the long hallways at school, I find myself sitting like a lump in front of the computer. I know that my abs and glutes have lost strength from not standing all day, probably contributing to my latest injury. It has been a major effort to try to move more to make up for the calories not burned by walking and standing.

It has been hard to ignore the excuses in my head for not working out...

• it's too hot,
• the gym is too crowded,
• there is probably a lot of traffic,
• my hips will hurt if I try to do that,
• I don't want to get my hair wet or sweaty,
• I'd rather sleep another hour,
• my iPod is not charged,
• walking is boring,
• the elliptical is boring,
• a trainer is too expensive,
• if I workout then dinner will be too late,
• yesterday was enough, etc.

These excuses all seem so lame when taken out of context, but I know that I am not the only person in the world that allows reasons like these to get in the way of burning calories. I need to be consistent for the next 6 months about getting a variety of exercises in without all of the excuses.

Mostly, I am afraid of failing. I have been afraid that I will put in the work and not see results. In my mind, I have failed if I know I have exerted the right energy, but I still weigh a lot.

I am also afraid that I can overcome the exercise excuses, but that the food issues that I have will sabotage the work that I am putting in. I sometimes workout consistently and then become lazy in my food preparation. I just eat the most convenient thing in the house, and it is usually not the most nutritious or balanced meal that I have available to me. I seriously have thought about having pre-prepared nutritious meals delivered, but that comes with a steep price tag. Ultimately I am going to have to sacrifice time to stay healthy. I am going to have to not be lazy when it comes to preparing meals.

I read a statistic somewhere that most skinny people eat at home most of the time and prepare the majority of their food instead of relying on a restaurant to cook. I believe it.

I also read that by writing things down, they become more real. My anxieties and determinations are real. I think these thoughts on a regular basis. I also know that my issues are pretty common in America and that I have had the good fortune of staying relatively healthy (and of average size) most of my life. The issues will probably continue until I am able to adopt my new habits. I hope that I can do this.